Don’t Just Deal With Anger—Make It A Useful Tool
All of us have been in the uncomfortable situation of looking into the face of the angry employee, family or community member, supervisor or colleague. The secret to disarming anger and turning it into a positive situation is in your hands. Here’s what I’ve learned through experience.
Defense mode is not the answer. Though you may be tempted to immediately jump on the “It’s not my fault, let me explain…” bandwagon, it’s not an effective response in this scenario. That person with the scrunched up face and furrowed brow is emotionally worked up and in no mood to hear your logical argument right now. Save it for a moment outside the anger.
Listen FIRST. Don’t be carried away by the emotive delivery of the person facing you. I heard a famous coach say, “Most people could use a good listening to.” When you are interrupting or trying to formulate an answer, you are not really listening. You are preparing your counterargument. Your colleague/employee/family or community member knows this. Give the gift of really, truly, listening THROUGH the emotional delivery and try to develop an understanding of the frustration that is facing you. You are being given the gift of feedback--and you need to embrace it as a catalyst for change. Some of the best improvements in my relationships have happened because of a moment of conflict that unveiled a problem stewing below the surface.
A calm, cool appearance may NOT be the most helpful response. Though you may be tempted to put on your game face in order to de-escalate, you may be giving the impression that you are not taking your employee’s concerns seriously if you are listening with no facial affect. So what is the alternative? Try matching the colleague’s emotional level without the anger. In other words, listen with intent and an intense desire to learn--and let that desire show on your own face as you lean into the conversation. The other person is reading your body language even more than what you say, and you want to send the right message.
Get the other person’s take on how to improve the situation. Most people want to be heard. Once their voice is heard, the question, “What do you think would solve the problem, create a better situation, etc. “ give the extra benefit of honoring their opinion. And then--most importantly--you must honestly decide whether their idea has merit. There is usually at least a grain of truth in someone else’s assessment of a situation and it deserves consideration. Really being introspective and sharing that you are seriously considering another’s thoughts and opinions will quickly disarm anger and may even win you an ally the next time you are the focus of a dissatisfied group’s back burner conversation.
You may have noticed that these disarming tools are quite simple, yet they can be hard to do. In my career and home life, I have learned the hard way that I am not always right, and that others’ ideas have merits and should be considered. I guess what I’m really saying is that sometimes pride and defensiveness can cause rifts in our relationships and even give a wrong impression of who we are. The next time you are facing an angry response, take the time to listen, match the level of intensity that you are seeing--without the anger, avoid being defensive, and give your employee/colleague/community or family member the honor of weighing his or her opinion based on its merits, not the emotion with which it is delivered. You will find that you have turned anger into a useful and productive tool!
