What Am I Gonna Do NOW??? (An excerpt)
Welcome to an excerpt from What Am I Gonna Do NOW???, a book that spotlights the lives of people who have asked that very same question as their lives plummeted out of control. To give you a taste of just one of these amazing and true stories, I am sharing an excerpt for today’s blog. This is the true story of a very good friend of mine—what she went through, what she learned, and how she eventually made it through. Maybe the way she answered that question, along with the tools she used to make it through, will help you find the solutions you are looking for with your own questions.
The publication date will be announced in the coming months. Until then, I humbly ask for your feedback below in the “Comments” section!
BUILDING A BRIGHT FUTURE FROM A HOPELESS SITUATION
Madison’s Story
Imagine this: A young is mother left betrayed and alone, facing an unknown future with a severely disabled child. Certainly, a recipe for sadness and chaos. As I interviewed Madison, she wept openly as she recounted the details of her life, never shared outside the family except for those who lived it with her until now. But let’s go back to the beginning and see what a loving mother’s hope and tenacity can accomplish, both for herself and her child.…
Madison had been married to a successful banker for 6 years. They were trying to start a family. Learning that she was carrying spontaneous triplets—meaning the result of nature and not due to taking fertility drugs--Madison was cautiously excited. In our interview, she defined the pregnancy as easy and noneventful, with no morning sickness, fatigue or other problems commonly associated with carrying multiples. The babies stayed in the womb 34 weeks out of the 40 normally required for gestation—this was considered a very good sign for carrying triplets.
Sadly and surprisingly, Madison’s husband seemed disinterested and detached during this time—not totally unsupportive, but not as engaged in the pregnancy as most first-time fathers. While he had initially wanted a family, by the time a year of trying to conceive had passed, he had changed his mind. In Madison’s words, by the time the pregnancy occurred, it was too late for him to voice his newly found objection to her pregnancy.
Signs of Trouble
In a prenatal checkup near the delivery date, doctors were unable to find one baby’s vitals. Their concern over this one of the three forced a decision to perform a Caesarian Section operation the very next day. A prior amniocentesis had shown that two babies were together in one sac, one was in another--and one of the two who roomed together was showing signs of distress. Meanwhile, as Madison faced an uncertain future, her disconnected husband asked to go to a softball game the night before the dangerous procedure. She sat in the hospital, crying and alone, nervous, and worried.
The next morning, prior to delivery, an ultrasound showed that the largest and most viable baby, gestating alone in one sac and free of any birth abnormalities, had died of twin transfusion syndrome. According to Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, this rare and serious condition can cause abnormal blood vessel connections to form in the placenta and allow blood to flow unevenly between the babies. One baby becomes dehydrated, while the other develops high blood pressure and produces too much urine and over fills the amniotic sac. In this case, the twin babies had sent an overflow of blood to the other sac, causing his heart to overload with the strain.
Madison was rushed to surgery and immediately delivered two live babies with birth defects. One child had very serious birth deficiencies--intestines on the outside, bilateral clubfoot, no lower intestinal tract and, on top of all these issues, a brain tumor. This baby lived 11 days, dying the day after Mother’s Day.
The surviving triplet, Shawn, had serious defects--born without an anus opening and diagnosed with bilateral clubfoot, he also had an undeveloped anterior fibula muscle in the front of his legs. He could not lift his feet, and looking in form much like a ballerina, was unable put them flat on the floor. His life-threatening conditions required surgery the day he was born, including the creation of an opening for a colostomy bag so that wastes could leave his body.
Madison’s memories of this time are blurred –a rare memory of a baby pictured with countless wires hooked up to him, and in the foreground, a person laying on a bed. In Madison’s words:
“My then-husband later told me that the person on the bed was me, wheeled in to see Shawn before his surgery. I have no memory of that whatsoever. I have only snapshots in my mind, some very traumatic. One that haunts me today: After the initial surgery, a social worker asking, ‘Do you want to hold your dead child?’ In this first, confusing scenario, my first response to the social worker’s request was no. After relenting and agreeing to hold him, my overloaded, disconnected, frozen brain began asking ‘Why am I not crying, reacting?’ My body could not react. In shock and still numb from sedation, I looked at him and felt nothing.”
Faithful devotion
Moving forward after surviving the loss of the two boys, Madison became very sick and was told that her ovaries were covered in fast-growing but non-malignant tumors which caused a rupture that deposited infection throughout her body. Now her ovaries would be removed, causing her to be unable to have more children. Devastated, help arrived when her mother came to take care of her in recovery; but one day later, her father died of a heart attack at home. She, of course, went to the out-of-town funeral, still recovering from her own surgery. Upon return, the unthinkable happened. Madison found evidence that her husband was having an affair. After an initial denial, he eventually moved out, after dragging the relationship on with promises for several months. The affair continued. He made many broken promises to Madison during this time but eventually the marriage was over. Madison faced bills due, money gone, and house maintenance duties like lawn care with no help. Her foremost thoughts revolved around a helpless baby with overwhelming doctors’ appointments, surgeries scheduled, physical therapy needed, as well as her own job of special needs teacher still left to do every day. An interesting note is that after the marriage was finally over, Madison discovered “what people knew but were unwilling to say—they didn’t want to be the “one to break up the marriage.” Madison has never told her son about his father’s unfaithfulness, to keep the father-son relationship intact. That says quite a bit about her character.
The young mother had supportive friends, but she needed help from a therapist to deal with her emotions of anger and abandonment. Grieving after the monumental loss of two babies, the death of her father, and the many emotions surrounding her new life as a single parent of a child with serious physical needs was overwhelming. Additionally, juggling the many roles she was left to play filled her plate to the brim.
Meanwhile, surviving baby Shawn and mother Madison went to see an expert surgeon in New York for anorectoplasty, in which doctors created an anal opening for Shawn. With no sphincter muscles, he put the opening near secondary muscles to help control the waste. Rods that were gradually increasing in size had to be inserted in the opening daily by Madison to stretch it and keep it from closing.
Shawn’s father came for the surgery and left the day after. Shawn also had to have surgery on his bladder, which would overfill due to his inability to sensate when it was full. At this time, the colostomy was closed. Madison had to learn to give Shawn enemas daily as part of the treatment for his physical condition.
Forward two decades. Because of a mother’s faithfulness and persistence in treatment, along with a team of highly skilled professionals, by high school Shawn was able to control his body waste on his own as well as walk normally. Madison was able to save enough for him to complete his college education, and he now works professionally and lives independently as a young adult.
WHAT I DID—AND WHAT YOU CAN LEARN
IN YOUR MOMENT OF CRISIS
The power of therapy played a critical role in Madison’s healing. Her list of crises even caused her therapist to break down and cry at one point; but she found that these talks with an unbiased professional were immensely helpful as she faced her future with Shawn as an independent woman--scared, rejected and alone. The counselor helped her see what she would need to do to move forward. The question of whether she could take care of the myriad things that a divorced woman does—plus care for a special needs child with all the appointments and surgeries—ate away at her in the early days. She saw the therapist for almost a year and he helped her gain tools to manage a seemingly unmanageable life, as well as the understanding that she had never had time to grieve the multitude of losses she had endured in the span of one year.
While there was not one “aha” moment that led to Madison’s success, she eventually learned to focus on the things she was being successful at accomplishing. Madison gained a gradual realization that she was not at fault and could take care of her complex life independently. The therapist reminded her that she was experiencing some accomplishments and also supported her through the loss of her father and two babies, the disappointment of her ended marriage and the loss of her ability to have more children. He helped her feel that her grief, sadness, and anger was justified. It had been the year from hell.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Madison remembered several tools that helped her manage this crisis time of life. Some of her lifelines included the following:
“My therapist asked me to write some letters to my children who died, take them to the graveside, and burn them. It was very hard to do, but I did it and it helped.
I also wrote a mission statement that I taped to my medicine cabinet and read every day. It included statements like “I need to take care of myself first”, even before Shawn. It included goals like getting my master’s degree and preparing and being promoted to educational leadership. I wrote a part about my expectation of my standard of living...I would work hard and save economically, but not let money be my master. Writing it was a struggle; I wrote it a bit at a time and thought about what was important that day. Reading it every day kept me focused--I would read it as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for the millions of responsibilities I was getting ready to face in my day.”
“My other tool was nature. When Shawn was with my ex for the weekend, I would go out by myself in nature. I began by trout fishing in local lakes, sometimes sitting on the bank crying. Nature was so healing, recharging. I would not let myself be a victim, but instead moved forward with my life, and took steps to complete goals that were important to me to elevate my self-confidence.
‘In a way, Shawn saved my life. Without a child, I might have sat in a bar every night and to escape. But because I had teaching responsibilities and needed to care for Shawn, I kept it together by escaping through those jobs. As a teacher for emotionally disturbed children, I had to focus on those students all day every day--no time for sadness or looking back”.
“I learned to rely on a few trusted people, and not afraid to “drag people down.” I learned how important it is to listen to your internal voice and what it’s saying about you. I was listening to myself say ‘I don’t want to bother anyone.’ I learned to say, ‘No, I should call my friend Kate and just talk to her about what’s going on.’ I had to correct my self-talk and begin to talk to myself differently, to compartmentalize, and to change my focus, to rethink and not dwell on negativity or problems.”
How has Madison’s journey moved forward? She has completed two master’s degrees in clinical psychology and educational leadership. Independently, she has owned and maintained a home as a single mother for 18 years—recently remarrying and living happily with a husband who loves and supports her.
She has raised Shawn and helped prepare him for success in life—he has been a media specialist for the St. Louis Cardinals and recently was hired as a videographer for E-gaming and sports.
Madison used her degree to become the principal of an Alternative High School for 11 years, and later became a consultant for school districts across the state, focusing on school improvement and student achievement.
Her outside hobby of photography has led her to her own professional photography studio and work as a realty photographer. We end Madison’s story with her most important advice:
“Life gets better. It WILL get better. As long as you don’t just sit and wallow in your sorrows. One foot in front of the other, a little at a time.”
In the words of Dirk Vlieiks, a triathlete who wrote his story of returning to life after a devastating stroke in the book “Square One:” “I would not look back. I would move ahead, one dull and tedious, painfully boring step ahead at a time. And I would improve every single day. I was good. I was alive. I would get better. It isn’t about winning or losing because you are going to see plenty of both. If you put your mind to it, there is nothing you cannot do!”
Madison and Dirk agree. Onwards and upwards, always.
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Madison’s mission statement was key to helping her move forward in an uncertain time. Could you use a mission statement to empower your life right now?
Start with three statements that affirm your goals here. They may include self-care, career goals, friendship goals, anything that feels like a need in your life.
Goals:
Strategy:
Goal:
Strategy:
Goal:
Strategy:
Now add one strategy for each goal that will set you on your path to achieve what makes your life fulfilled.
Tape them on your mirror, your coffeepot, your refrigerator. Post them on your computer and phone. Make them front and center as you go onwards and upwards to what you hope to achieve in life. Madison and Shawn’s lives prove that no obstacle can stand in your way.
Our choices of the past have not been a mistake. We are not a mistake. We should not run back where we came from. Instead, with faith in our hearts, we should continue onward, crossing new thresholds and trusting in ourselves that the one precious life we construct for ourselves will be a meaningful and reward one. (Hirsch, Transitions, 2015, p. 79)
